How To Counsel Someone About
Divorce After Years Of Marriage

It is difficult to describe the sense of shock, hurt, bewilderment, emptiness, anger, rejection, isolation and loss of self-worth felt when someone has been deserted or divorced after many years of marriage. The person wonders: Can this really be happening to me? How could this person whom I loved do this to me? Where did I fail? What could I have done differently? The most important question is what do I do now?

In spite of the trauma, the person must be helped to realize that life goes on. The fact of the divorce must be accepted; and they are now single. They must face the future as such. It is futile to continually dredge up the past, reliving it. Fact will not change by self-torturing questions. It is entirely possible that they could not have done anything differently to save the marriage.

Since they can not change the past help them to understand that they are not to try to live in that which they can not change. Accept that fact that they have a right to be happy. They must go on now with the life they now have. God is in the life re-building business.

An emotionally healthy person will realize that they must go on and grow with the present. The Apostle Paul give the example: "... this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto (toward) those things which are before ..." (Philippians 3:13 KJV).

One must learn to look at the experience as transitional, as a time to make adjustments, of expanding personally as an individual, learning to expand ones personality through reading, reflection and building or re-building friendships which will help you to grow and expand. A time to heal from all the emotions one experiences in a divorce is in order.

If you feel that you need personal counseling during the transition you should look for a qualified pastor or Christian psychologist who can deal with the problems in the light of Scripture.

COUNSELING STRATEGY:

1.    Encourage the inquirer by projecting love an understanding. The hurts, emptiness, anger, guilt and sense of rejection may be very deep.

2.    Be a good listener, attempting to get the whole picture before offering any comment. Sometimes we respond too quickly with advice, when a question to stimulate conversation would be more in order.

3.    When you feel you have a proper understanding, reassure them with verses from Scripture at the end of the session. Emphasize that God still loves them and wants to help them. God cares about what is happening. Jesus knows what grief and sorrow is, (Isaiah 53:3, KJV) "He (was) despised and rejected of men"

       Ask the person if they have ever received Jesus Christ as personal Lord and Savior. If they have not explain to them how they can have a relationship with Christ through salvation.

4.    Urge them to read and study the Bible. This will give them perspective and insight as they attempt to adjust to a new life style and grow in the Lord.

5.    Counsel the person to pray every day. "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:6,7, NIV)

6.    Counsel them to become involved in a Bible teaching church. Often a Christian singles group can  be found which will provide opportunities to share experiences, to grow and to serve the Lord.

7.    Pray with them for the Lord's help in this difficult time of transition as they seek to build a new life.

SCRIPTURE:

(Jer 29:11 NIV) For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
(Psa 139:17 NIV)
How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!
(Psa 139:18 NIV)
Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you.
(Psa 16:11 NIV) You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.
(Isa 50:7 NIV) Because the Sovereign LORD helps me, I will not be disgraced. Therefore have I set my face like flint, and I know I will not be put to shame.
(Psa 16:8 NIV) I have set the LORD always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.
(Psa 18:2 NIV) The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.

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